Why Mediate?

Diane McInnis

Separation is STRESSFUL
For most people, the experience of separation and divorce is one of life’s most stressful events, second only to the death of a spouse1. Understanding that your stress level is high, and your partner’s stress level is high can give you insight as to why you both may be saying or doing things that under normal circumstances, you would not do or say.  People often act in ways that may seem out of character, which starts a cycle of doubt about the other person and the basis for your relationship.
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​This is not the person I FELL IN LOVE WITH
Often, people begin the process of separation with a desire to resolve issues peacefully.  They want to be respectful.  Sometimes, they have preconceived notions of what their separation will look like.  Surely, they will be one of the couples that lovingly share the parenting of their children, and have a friendly relationship after their divorce, just like in the movies.  So, what went wrong?  Why is the other person being so unreasonable? Who is this person?  Why is this not going the way I planned?

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FEAR drives CONFLICT
The fear of the unknown future drives a lot of conflict.  People often perceive threats to the values they hold dear when going through a separation, such as:
Loss of relationships:

• Fear they will lose contact with their children 
• Fear the children might prefer the other parent/ the other parent may interfere with their relationship with the child
• Fear of loss of extended family relationship, the in-laws who you rely on for family and friendship

Loss of financial stability:

• Fear that your income will not be enough to pay the bills
• Fear that you might have to pay money to the other spouse
• Fear that you cannot afford to keep the family home or fear you cannot acquire suitable housing for you and the children
• Fear you will not be able to retire

These fears may be real or perceived or both.
The above listed examples of fears drive much family conflict.  You can understand how these fears might lead to resentment and the perceived need to maintain the upper hand. You just can’t risk loss of any of these important things.

All CONFLICT stems from POOR COMMUNICATION
In the many years that I have been assisting couples navigate their way through their separation, I have seen how misunderstanding the other person’s intentions, or presuming to know the other person’s intentions, leads to conflict. Often when we are under stress, we are not good at communicating our needs and interests in a clear and thoughtful way, and instead resort to accusations and general mistrust.  Perhaps this is why you are separating in the first place.  Many couples will say that they are good co parents and want to continue this co parenting relationship after their separation, but other issues, often driven by the example of fears mentioned above, can lead to mistrust of the other parent.  For example, a parent might say that they want to keep the house for stability of the children, and boom, the other person sees this as a threat to their parenting relationship with the children.  They might worry that the “staying parent” will have an advantage in their relationship with the children, their school and their friends, and before long they assume the staying parent is trying to edge them out of their children’s lives- and now we are ripe for conflict.

CONFLICT COSTS
The longer people stay in a heightened sense of fear, the greater the risk of high conflict, and the higher the cost- both emotional and financial.  A litigious approach pits the partners against each other and can escalate conflict.  That’s the nature of court- you are asking a judge to make decisions that will govern your family relationship going forward.  Sometimes the judge is asked to decide who the children will live with and how much time the other parent will spend with the child(ren). This approach should always be a last resort.  It is better for the parents to decide for themselves what is best for their children. This is where out of court approaches work best.

MEDIATION CAN HELP
I often joke with clients that I can’t make the process of separation easy, but I can help make it less miserable!  You wouldn’t think that would be a great tag line for a service to help people, but all joking aside, I think it is an honest one.  Separation is not the end; it is a family transition. What I try to do in mediation is facilitate difficult conversations and reduce the conflict by helping the couple understand each others’ needs and interests and explore as many options as possible that can address what each partner is seeking.  I focus on ensuring that the couple has a resilient agreement to deal with their future lives.  Sometimes people can have a clean break- they have the means to finalize their obligations between them and move on. However, in most circumstances, there is an ongoing commitment, either because of cashflow in each household or ongoing parenting commitments.  I am of the view that people can invest time and energy in fueling conflict, or they can save their emotional and financial resources for their new family structure and resolve issues peacefully.

If this approach appeals to you, please reach out for more information: [email protected]

Nothing is this article is intended to be legal advice.  You should speak to a family lawyer for advice.